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Play, download and edit the free video When you no longer know who you are.

When you’re lost in the constant contortion of becoming what it is you think you need to be in order to receive love and be seen,

But when that love you thought you needed never actually even sees you

because you’re not really you but rather the you that you think that human in front of you wants you to be,

And you don’t even recognize the real you when you see her face because she’s been disguised in so many masks by all these distorted versions of you,

And you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that the “you” you know yourself from before was the real you,
but you realize she was living from a place of trauma, too..

And that you was an abuser

Just as this you is a victim

And not forgetting your role as the self-righteous martyr, too, because that one you adopted quite early through Christ centered, pacifist, well meaning—albeit slightly fucked up—education.

And none of the you’s even know who you are,

Or knew who you were,

Because all you are doing is seeking approval, searching for an A+ review, while losing more of your self in the process,

Because the you that you once were was too much for those around you,

And the you that you became was still too much for those around you,

And then the you that you erased became too small for those around you to even see,

So you successfully disappear...

until you no longer know who you are,

and in this dissolution of self

grows a desperation to reawaken,

as you lie wide awake in bed,

2 AM,

finally surrendering to this chat with god that’s been on the docket for far too long,

letting him/(her/they/them) know that you get it:

you are living a life of games and self-defeating tactics,

developed to avoid a deep terror of abandonment that takes up residence in your core and never actually goes away,

willing to do anything to hold onto love that was never love for who you are,

but rather love for who you contorted yourself to be to please and to receive,

letting god know that you know that only god knows who you are,

and therefore it’s only here,

in this relationship,

between me
and you,
(or me and you?)
that reminds us of the soul that was born into THIS body,

made of the soil of the earth

and the stardust of the sky,

with organs that speak feelings

and bones with deep spiritual voices

and dna singing ancestral stories that so badly want to be heard,

and it’s in this early morning soirée
that you think you might actually be pretty cool,

and maybe even have a thing or two to say,

like
girl,
never again forget the astonishing light of your own being,

the sunshine rae in your name,

the sparkle in your eyes,

the deep magic of your spirit,

this massive capacity to feel and cry
and that intuitive sage within you... god, she is so real

and the cellular dust of the divine that makes up the blood in your beating chest,

that is a constant rhythm
reminding you,

that you
you
YOU

are the love
you need
to so
desperately
receive.

Poem shared on April 17,2021

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