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Was it?! The chaotic trip into someone else’s space already in motion. Everything seems jagged yet somehow slippery. At one point last summer, my parents offered to help me purchase a condo in Cape Town. Given these are the same people so fiscally conservative they forbade us from turning the thermostat a single degree during our occupancy of their home as children, the casual mention rang as out of place as me.

Six months later, my parents gave off a more familiar rosy glow. A strange sort of survival technique recognized only just now as my subconscious reveals more non-surprises. The invasion of my being began prior to leaving Cape Town. It would be nice to be closer to my sisters. In Los Angeles, a single direct flight to Seattle or Kauai seemed fiscally manageable. No mention to visiting my parents who quite surprisingly and at the request of my sisters, paid for part of the journey.

Somewhere between Cape Town, Luanda, São Paulo and New York City, I wrote to my inner child. I knew I’d die in Los Angeles. In no way, shape or form could I guess he’d die too. My body shutters to think it issued a death sentence then and there.

We pause.

Miami. Auckland. Kansas City. Ring in my head. Places where similar committed to others as those against me. I apologized to two. The third too far and away to remember names. The guilt as to the last absolves itself in a sea of faceless nameless people I love. Each always difficult to remember. The confession new to even me. Apologies already made to my mother for the crime of recounting committed here and now.

Other invisible crimes at my hand come to a head. It’s better my former selves are dead. Enlightenment sucks donkey balls.

Hey (Nah Neh Nah)
Vaya Con Dios / Milk and Sugar

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